Pocket Guide to Conflict Mediation
by Casandra
Zine #45 — September 2025
Conflict happens, but it doesn’t have to be a disaster. Having the knowledge and tools on hand to deal with conflict before it happens is one of the best things we can do to ensure that our radical communities are supportive and sustainable to everyone involved. There are lots of ways to approach dealing with conflict in radical spaces, and this zine is about one possible method: mediation.
What is mediation?
Sometimes trying to address conflict with someone on your own just doesn’t resolve things, and that’s when mediation can come in handy. In a mediation, the people in conflict sit down with a third party—a mediator—who helps to hold space and facilitate a more productive conversation.
A mediator’s job is to…
Create a safe container for tough conversations. A sense of safety is relative, so for mediators the task is to check in with the folks participating and see what they need ahead of meeting. It probably means setting up a quiet space, an uninterrupted time, and laying out clear boundaries and agreements for the process (which we’ll discuss in a bit).
Be a witness. Sometimes folks just need a calm and attentive third party to be present with them while they have a difficult conversation.
Model healthy communication. When people are at odds over issues that they really care about, they don’t always communicate as skillfully as they might otherwise. On top of that, many of us didn’t have healthy, direct, compassionate communication modeled for us growing up and probably have a general aversion to conflict, so these are skills we have to consciously develop. Often a mediator’s biggest task is to simply stay calm and model skillful communication.
Model active listening skills. Many (most) conflicts involve someone just not feeling heard. Sometimes people are really not hearing one another, and other times they just don't feel heard and acknowledged. Both scenarios can lead to a lot of circular dialogue. Part of a mediator’s job is modeling listening skills and making space for people to both hear one another and really feel heard.
Be as neutral as possible. Neutrality is a very weird concept because, in reality, it just doesn’t exist. In this instance, maintaining neutrality as mediator just means making sure that we are not too close to the conflict itself—or not a stakeholder who will be directly impacted by its outcome. Neutrality can also mean noticing and working to balance out power differentials between the folks involved in a conflict, and choosing to keep any feelings or personal opinions about things out of the process.
Facilitate. Sometimes when people are in conflict and emotions are high the structure and steps involved in coming up with a good solution can feel like too much to sort out. Part of a mediator’s job is to help with that work so folks can stay focused on their own feelings and communication. Some tasks a mediator might help with include taking notes, mapping out plans or processes people suggest, organizing information into something written and usable that folks can take away with them, cataloging resource lists and ideas, etc. Facilitation can also mean making sure people have time to speak, tracking topics they need to come back to, and checking in with folks each step of the way.
A mediator’s job is NOT to…
Take sides or act as a judge. We as a society are used to functioning within punitive models that rely on things like authority, binary thinking, and negative consequences to navigate problems. It can be tough sometimes for people to approach conflicts outside of those structures, and it's important to remember as mediators (and remind folks in conflict) that our role is not to be judge or jury.
Direct a process toward a particular outcome. The people involved in a conflict are the only ones who know for certain what a workable solution will look like for them, and it's not a mediator's job to insert our opinions about their needs, ideas, process, or its outcome.
Be a therapist. While people may experience strong emotions during mediations and the goal is to be trauma-informed in all our radical practices, it’s important for mediators to remember that our role is to facilitate healthy communication, not therapize. Sometimes it becomes clear that what people need is to work with a therapist, not a mediator, and that’s okay.
Mediate beyond our own limitations. Occasionally things come up in a mediation that are triggering for the mediator or present a conflict of interest. It's important to know when we can continue a process and when we actually need to stop. It's always okay to call for breaks, and there are times when the best course of action is to end a meeting and choose to help the folks in conflict find a different mediator to work with.
Mediation can be useful when…
Folks have come to an impasse but are willing to communicate directly (not through gossip, over social media, or via proxy).
Folks are willing to approach one another in good faith and in collaboration.
Folks all consent to the process.
Mediation is not appropriate when…
The issue involves a call for an accountability process. While mediation can be an aspect of accountability/restorative justice/transformative justice processes, those involves some special considerations, additional community involvement, additional education, and they are not what this zine is about.
The dynamic is abusive. In order for a mediation to be productive and safe for the people involved, they need to be able to approach one another collaboratively and honestly. Those things are not possible by definition when the situation is abusive.
The conflict directly involves people who are not present. There are mediation formats that involve mediation by proxy or caucus (indirect communication), but those are not what this zine is about.
The Basic Phases of a Mediation
Prior to meeting, the mediator will often talk to the people involved briefly to gather information about the issue they want to discuss and make sure everyone agrees to the process. Mediators also help plan when and where to meet and take steps to make the meeting space feel safe and comfortable. If it makes sense for the circumstances, finding a co-mediator should also be done prior to the meeting.
Introduction
Welcome folks and let them know that choosing to show up and address conflict is a really brave and awesome thing.
Even though you've probably checked in with them individually, verbally ensure that everyone consents to mediation and let them know they can stop or take breaks as needed.
Go over what a mediator's role is so that everyone understands your job and boundaries.
Discuss ground rules around making a good faith effort, respectful communication, trying not to interrupt one another, and keeping things confidential. Many professional mediators have confidentiality agreements that participants sign prior to meeting. They often state that, while the issue at hand might not be a secret, the actual discussion within the space of mediation is. Exceptions usually include privileged parties like religious advisors, therapists, spouses, etc. In our radical communities the agreements around what is and is not confidential may look different and that’s okay as long as everyone discusses it and consents at the outset.
Discuss any other ground rules people would like to propose.
Verbally point out that everyone has agreed to be there and to the basic structure and ground rules. Starting on a positive mutual agreement can be really important for the tone moving forward.
Storytelling phase
To begin the process, ask each person to tell their version of events. Why are they here? What happened from their point of view? How are they feeling? What are they hoping for? Give each person 5–10 minutes to talk through whatever they need without interruption, and let folks know that each person will have an opportunity to do the same. Model active listening and ask clarifying questions if needed. Take notes and suggest other folks take notes too. This can help the speaker feel heard because it shows a vested interest. It also gives listeners somewhere to put their thoughts which helps discourage interruptions.
Dialogue phase
After people tell their stories, it’s time to encourage them to talk to one another. Sometimes dialogue will naturally start on its own, but in other cases it can also take some work to get people talking to one another directly rather than through the mediator.
Some ways to help folks move from indirect to direct communication:
Paraphrase what you heard each person say and ask them if there's anything they want to add or clarify. (More on paraphrasing as a skill later.)
Ask each person to repeat back the key points of what they heard the other say.
Ask folks if they want to respond directly to anything the other person said.
Ask them how the other person's story made them feel.
Notice and comment on and shared experiences/feelings you noticed during storytelling. I can see that you’re both coming from different places on this, but it also sounds like you're both really committed to coming up with a good solution or I can tell that you’ve each been really hurt by this situation and care about figuring out a better way to move forward.
As soon as people start talking, sit back and let them!
Once folks begin communicating directly, there are still a few times where it can be helpful to interject:
If people stop abiding by the agreements of the mediation space (throwing insults, interrupting, etc.), remind them of the ground rules.
If you hear people mention things that seem like key issues, underlying needs, or potential solutions to the problem, it can help to make a note of those things both literally as well as verbally.
If it seems like people are not hearing one another or responding directly to what the other person is saying, if the conversation starts to run in circles, if the conversation dwindles out, or if they come to an obvious impasse, it's time to try some communication tools...
Reflecting—Sometimes if a person is repeating themselves or seems stuck on a point, they just need to really feel heard in order to move on. Reflecting back what they’re saying and acknowledging its importance can help.
I want to say that back to you to make sure I really understood it...
It seems like this piece about [x, y, z] is really important to you because it's come up a few times. Is there anything else you want us to understand about it?
Paraphrasing—Sometimes people need help sorting out the important parts of what they’re saying or honing in on underlying needs, motions, key issues, etc. Hearing someone else summarize the main points can be clarifying and also reveal anything that’s still missing.
You just said a lot of really important things and I want to try to summarize what I heard to make sure I really understood...
Asking the other participant to summarize is another way to help invite direct communication, active listening, and also help sift out key issues.
Reframing—Sometimes people in conflict will communicate with really charged or accusatory language that can obfuscate the underlying issues and/or make what they’re saying difficult for the other person to actually hear. The point of mediation, even more than coming to an agreement, is to help people really hear one another. Reframing techniques help affirm what a person has said while also shifting the language and perspective in a way that encourages productive communication. Some types of reframing might include:
Considering needs versus specific positions.
I'm exhausted and just want them to get rid of their barking dog. ––> It's really important to you that we figure out how to prevent the dog's barking from disrupting your rest.
Sometimes an attachment to a specific solution prevents people from hearing one another and collaborating toward solutions. Reframing to focus on their needs can reassures them that those needs are valid while also opening the conversation up to more mutually-beneficial possibilities.
Framing things with positives versus negatives.
I can't sleep with their dog barking and they should make it stop. ––> You really want a solution that gives you some peace and quiet so you can get a good night’s sleep.
Reframing what someone doesn't want in terms of what they do want is a subtle way to both acknowledge what they're saying and shift the focus to potential beneficial outcomes.
Focusing on the issue at hand rather than people's perceived faults.
They refuse to put effort into keeping their dog quite because they don’t care about anyone but themselves. ––> It can be super disruptive when you hear their dog barking and you want assurance that they really understand and care about finding a solution.
Very similar to this is reframing to highlight emotions versus judgments: They refuse to put effort into keeping their dog quite because they don’t care about anyone but themselves. ––> Their dog's barking keeps interfering with your life even though you tried to talk to them about it, so you're feeling hurt and like your needs haven't been a priority.
These are really similar, but the bottom line is taking an accusation or judgment about a person's character or motivations, then reframing it to focus on the material issue at hand and the needs and emotions that have to be addressed.
Talking about future behavior rather than past wrongs
Their dog's barking made their housemate move away, the neighbor across the street tried to talk to them but they wouldn't listen, this other person said it bothered them too, they've never listened to me about it, etc. ––> This has been an issue for quite a while and you want them to demonstrate that figuring it out is a big priority for them moving forward, and that they care about the way it impact you.
Oftentimes in cases of longstanding conflict, people can really get lost in the weeds of outlining every past frustration or upset. In addition to making sure a person really feels heard, redirecting their focus by reframing things in terms of future actions and what they'd like to see moving forward can be really helpful.
Solutions phase
Sometimes in a mediation people just need to come to a mutual understanding of events and a concrete or actionable solution isn't actually necessary. Sometimes it does feel necessary and people will begin to generate solutions on their own through dialogue. There are other times where people need a solution that's pretty complex, needs to be mapped out, involves detailed planning, etc. and they need help getting there. Part of a mediator’s job is to help generate and sort through ideas to get to possible solutions. Some methods might include:
Using brainstorming techniques to generate options like you would for a creative project (sharing ideas popcorn style and writing them down for everyone to see, doing some mind mapping, etc.).
Encouraging folks to consider “good enough” solutions, compromises, “win-win” scenarios, or different mutually-beneficial outcomes. The goal is to get people to work together on solving the problem rather than focusing on who is right and who is wrong.
Talking through how potential solutions might look in action to make sure they’re rally tenable. A good solution is one that everyone agrees to and that people can actually follow through on.
Closing
A successful mediation is one where people show up and do their best to hear one another. Sometimes people simply aren't going to agree, but hopefully they leave understanding one another better. Sometimes what people decide might seem surprising to the mediator—maybe they come up with a specific solution and it's not one that you would have envisioned—but if the participants are into it, that’s all that matters. Sometimes agreements are simple and verbal and that’s all folks need. Other times agreements are complex and written out and might even involve future steps like check-ins or things people agree to follow through and be accountable to one another about.
Knowing when a mediation is complete and what “complete” looks like is largely up to the people involved, just like knowing when to end any really intentional conversation. Whether people come to some sort of formal agreement, or an informal understanding, or decide that they aren’t going to agree, the mediator’s role is to respect their decision, thank them for showing up and doing their best, and tidy up the space after they part ways.
While folks involved have likely agreed to some amount of confidentiality around the mediation and it's crucial to respect that, it can be really helpful for mediators to make sure they have someone to talk to afterward. If you have a co-mediator, they are an obvious choice, and planning some time to decompress and discuss the process after the folks involved in the conflict have left is really beneficial. If you do not have a co-mediator, finding nonspecific ways to talk about any feelings that came up for you (rather than revealing details about the participants or the process itself) is another approach. Mediating can be extremely fulfilling, but it can also be really taxing. The bottom line is to take care of yourself afterward.
Mediation is important. Mediation is amazing. Mediation can be really hard and also really fun and rewarding. It’s an incredibly useful skillset, and practicing conflict resolution techniques is a vital part of creating and maintaining radical communities. If you’ve never mediated and want to learn, print out some copies of this zine for your friends, then get together and roleplay being in and mediating conflicts. Role play as yourselves, as famous historical anarchists, as your D&D characters, whatever you need to do. Host a party and make a night of it. Practicing is the best way to learn! And please please please remember that the time to develop these skills is now rather than during an active conflict. Planning ahead is how we actively build prepared communities that can weather any disaster.
About the Author
Casandra is a collective member of Strangers in a Tangled Wilderness. They are a book designer, illustrator, avid reader, mediator, plant nerd, and teacher existing the PNW with their rad kiddo and animals. You can find them talking about books on BlueSky at @hey-casandra.bsky.social and discussing community preparedness on the Live Like the World is Dying podcast.